Picking up Muth's Knitting

A tender poignancy following Muth’s death is the passing on of knitting projects she started years ago but put down once she was no longer able to navigate the intricacies of handwork at which she previously excelled. My sister Joany has taken up a sweater Muth started for a baby who is now several years old. Other works-in-progress are in the hands of Muth’s church’s knitting group.

While up in Maine this weekend, I visited a friend of Muth’s whom I met recently and to whom I felt drawn. Over tea and lemon water, we talked about Muth, and dementia, and death, and community. 

And art! 

Lida is a doodler! A creator! She has a desk. Shelves of supplies. Pens, markers, paper, envelopes purchased at yard sales, scissors, off-cuts from a printer, little color-sample booklets from Pottery Barn, colored pencils, bendy doodads, yarn samples, Sherwin Williams color sample sheets—yes!

In short order we picked up stitches that dropped when Muth died and started knitting and purling new rows to that sweater of friendship, interlocking ourselves to Muth while also knitting up something a little new all of our own.

Uplifted, I pulled from my travel art kit a sheet of canvas paper, Faber Castell PITT artist pens, watercolor pencils, and pastels. Doodled freely and effortlessly. Joyously.

Sitting at Lida's Doodle Desk
4.5x6", mixed media on canvas paper
landscape
2015
$28

Unexpected Playroom

I remember—when my children were, say, 6, 3, and a few weeks old—the times when I would nurse Jay, snuggle him between me and the back of the couch, and then slip into twilight sleep, lulled by the delicious sounds of Meg and Scott's chatter and exclamations as they played with every toy in our home that had 100+ small parts and pieces. I knew where everybody was, we were all safe, I had my eyes closed. Heaven.

Seems like Muth helped herself to a few sweet days akin to that at the end of her life. Lying on her bed, stuffed toy moose tucked into her right hand, a prayer shawl draped over her covers, she slept for hours and days surrounded by her five daughters. It was a bit of a crazy-making time for the daughters—no familiar frame of reference, no prior experience, no apparent end in sight for way longer than seemed possible—but we rolled with it, and I look back on the sweetness, tears, astonishment, gallows humor, and nonsensical activities that all made sense at the time, and I wouldn't change it. I had my travel art kit, Joany knit, Barby worked newspaper word puzzles, Lauren dealt out hands of Idiot's Delight on top of Muth's covers, Marjorie played Minesweeper, and Muth hung out with us. She knew where we all were, we were all safe, she had her eyes closed. How could heaven be better?

In the Nursery
8x10", mixed media on watercolor paper
abstract
2015
$80

Vulnerable

I've often spoken easily with Dave or friends or my sisters about the parts of my relationship with Mom that weren't straightforward, and I've been wanting to put some of that complication into a painting, but I'm surprised at how contracted and vulnerable I feel each time I think about actually starting.

Commit the feelings to paint? I shrink back instantly.

That said, I acknowledge my recurring self-protective resistance and head to my studio anyway.

I pick up a brush. The brush is a gateway. I shift reflexively into painting mind, into an open, neutral space. I find myself all in—with color, texture, decision-making, and the physical and sensory activity. No hesitation, no uncomfortable feelings.

Whew!

But, now.

Contracted and vulnerable again.

Here's what's at stake. I didn't always feel worthy of love and belonging when I was with Mom—I scrambled for her love and defended myself over and over again against the possibility that I wouldn't feel it.

Guess I'm still scrambling, aren't I, Mom!

But.

I've painted this painting. Written these words. Now I'm posting. All is well.

Self-Defense
10x8", mixed media on watercolor paper
abstract
2015
$80

Inner Light

I love expressions such as an embarrassment of riches or a parliament of owls. In writing a note to a friend the other day, I found myself inventing an idiom of my own: a confusion of grief.

The word confusion comes from the Latin meaning mingle together. Never thought of it that way before. That's what grief feels like right now, a mingling together of all manner of things.

Curiosity, for example. So much curiosity. So many questions.

What do I know of a 21-year-old girl who gave birth to her first child on her husband's birthday in 1950?

Next to nothing, except that I am that first child.

The story I'm telling myself is this. That 21-year-old entered motherhood filled with inner light. She had a few ideas ahead of time about being a mom but mostly she learned as she went along.

That's how I approach my studio today. I fill a sheet of canvas paper with light, approach with a few ideas, and see what I discover.

Hi, Muth.

DottyJoanyBarbyLaureyMarjorie
9x12", mixed media on canvas paper
abstract
2015
$108

Paint by Number!

[Painted and drafted in early October]

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Cranford, NJ, circa 1958. I remember sitting in our den—a room whose size wouldn't pass muster as a walk-in closet on HGTV today!, working on a paint-by-number kit of a scene in Paris.

I remember the total pleasure and satisfaction of dipping a little brush into little plastic pots, matching colors to numbers on the "canvas," filling prescribed spaces with their designated colors, and watching the scene come to life.

The current values studies I've undertaken bring up those memories. Scene is already in place, colors are pre-established.

Here's the rub: I have to make decisions!

Surprisingly difficult decisions, as it turns out!

But no less pleasurable and satisfying.

Great exercise. This won't be the last one.

values 2
2015

Beginnings

A blank piece of unstretched canvas started a new life today when I tore it from a pad, cut it in half, and taped one half to a tray. I wet it lightly with a cloth, covered it quickly with gesso, left it to dry.

After lunch, after meditating in the warm gusty-winded November outdoors, with multi-colored clouds flying fast-forward across the bowl of the sky, I dampened my canvas again. Used a 1.5" brush to cover it with a thin coat of medium. Followed that with the fun of painting the surface yellow—all sorts of yellow. Then some white. A bit of cadmium red. More yellow. Worked fast and freely—mixing, blending, watching. Taking delight in subtleties of tone and shade and in the physicality of moving my brush. Loved making lightning-speed micro-decisions. Spark, spark, spark! All just to cover an 8x10" piece of canvas with yellow.

Some little something came together. Conception. New life!

Rockabye Dotty
8x10", mixed media on unstretched canvas
abstract
2015
$80

Confluence

[note: this painting was painted and post drafted at the very beginning of October, when I innocently thought I might have some control over the pace and content of my days … and month. Ha! Posting now with a chuckle!]

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Streams merging:

1. Now that summer has ended, whoa! Have had to rethink how I'll arrange my pursuits and responsibilities into a workable and enjoyable fall schedule. September had me hopping like crazy. Thought I might like to frame my painting life for October as 31-31-31, i.e. 31 paintings in 31 days, no more than 31 minutes per day. Thought the 31-minutes limit would honor my intense desire to paint every day without letting everything else go to hell in a hand basket. Wondered what I might paint.

2. During September's 30-Paintings-in-30-Days Challenge I met (online) and corresponded with artist Laurie Mueller—whose paintings I LOVE! I asked her for ideas to move me along in my understanding and application of color values. She generously suggested the exercise of painting over magazine photos with only white, black, and gray.

Perfect!

For starters, what a hoot to pick up Cosmo and Self at Stop & Shop on October 1.

Then, what great fun to follow Laurie's recommendation. The exercise was engaging, it took me under 31 minutes, and—dare I say it?—it was illustrative.

Plenty to learn here. Can't wait to do my next study.

values exercise 1
2015

reference 1